Monstrous Things
by RY16
Summary: Tooru's out cold, his primal instincts have taken over. The gash on his abdomen drips blood with his every movement, but Tooru doesn't feel that maddening, crippling pain anymore. His heart pumps adrenaline through his veins and that gash at his side is nothing but a nuisance. His stomach howls, gnaws at him, a screaming void demanding to be filled - and then he catches her scent.


The girl—

He—

"No, no, no, no," Tooru murmures. He's sitting down against the wall, his arms wrapped around his knees, his eyes glazed as he stares at his bloodied shirt in the floor in front of him. "She, she— the words don't come out, he can't say them, he can't say what he knows is true. The girl is dead – he killed her.

Tooru can barely register Hajime's voice, but he can imagine him telling him to calm down, telling him it'll all be okay. But it won't – it can't. She's dead! He killed her.

 _Tooru's out cold, his primal instincts have taken over. The gash on his abdomen drips blood with his every movement, but Tooru doesn't feel that maddening, crippling pain anymore. His heart pumps adrenaline through his veins and that gash at his side is nothing but a nuisance. His stomach howls, gnaws at him, a screaming void demanding to be filled. And then he catches her scent. Every cell in his being knows what she is without even seeing her. He inhales her scent, his eyes closing briefly as he focuses. He blocks out everything else, his mind solely centered on finding its source._

 _He picks up the pace, soon breaking off into a sprint. He's got it now; he knows where to go. Soon, his eyes lock onto her exposed pale, clear skin. He imagines it'll be soft as he runs his tongue over her body, before he sinks his teeth into her neck and her sweet, sweet blood rushes into his mout—_

"Stop," Hajime's voice pulls him back to reality. "Tooru, please," Hajime's kneeling down in front of him, his hands clutching at the hems of his shirt so tightly his knuckles turn white. "It's not your fault," his lips tremble as he speaks, his voice brittle and unsure. "You- you had to do it… yo- you needed to eat…. You would've died," he says faintly.

The vulnerability in his voice is like a rope settling around his neck, tightening, making it hard to breathe. _I'm losing him, I'm losing him._ He can still smell Hajime's fear from before, now soaking his clothes – along with her blood – and it's yet another thing to weigh on his shoulders. How could you love someone you were afraid of? How could anyone love a monster? How could anyone love someone who does such monstrous things? How could Hajime possibly love him after watching him eat one of his own kind. He was filth, unworthy

Tooru curls himself into a smaller ball, buries his face in his knees and gently rocks himself back and forth _. I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone!_

Hajime's eyes fill with tears but he blinks them back _. Move. Move,_ he tells himself _. Reach out, touch him. Make Tooru feel safe, say it's okay, say anything._ His stomach feels hollow, almost gaunt, pulling at him from the inside. Deep breaths give him momentary relief from that sensation but it's still there afterwards, as well as that cold feeling on the tips of his fingers.

He knows he ought to try to give Tooru some comfort but he just…. Tears rim his eyes, as he blinks them back every time with a deep breath and quick shake of his head. _It's okay, you're okay. It's over now._

But is it?

His fingers shake so violently he can barely do anything but grasp his shirt and his heartbeat's throbbing in his ears, and the back of his shirt and under his arms is soaked with cold sweat. But it's fine now, they're home. If he can just get Tooru out of it, it'll be okay, Hajime tells himself. If he can just clean the blood covering his hands and neck… and at his sides and, and… and the blood on their clothes! If he can just get rid of all the blood, everything will be okay!

"…alone…" He leans in, his face just inches away from Tooru. "…alone… alone," Hajime can only make out one word through the hushed mumbling but it twists his stomach into a bigger knot.

 _Tooru, look at me please. Tooru please_ , he begs silently. He's blaming himself and drowning in self-hatred but Hajime can barely form a sentence without his voice cracking and his eyes swelling with tears.

He needs to say something. He needs to touch him. He needs to do something, he has to! "Tooru!" His voice comes out as shout in a momentary surge of courage that echoes through the empty apartment.

He raises his head just enough so Hajime can see his eyes, bloodshot and swollen with tear-streaked, puffy red cheeks. They're a mess. In shock and covered in blood, they're such a mess! He doesn't say anything, doesn't move but he's not staring at him either.

"Look at me!" He begs, his voice sounds almost hoarse. For a short, very short moment Hajime doesn't remember why it would be hoarse but then he does, and his sight is filled with blood and torn clothing, screams piercing his head, some of them his own. Then he shakes his head, blinks the memory away and his eyes settle on Tooru and the way his thin-pressed lips quiver and a single tear slips streams down his cheek and lends on his knee. "It's not your fault," he yells out like a breath he was holding.

Tooru rolls his eyes and he scrunches up his nose in disgust as he speaks. "It wasn't my fault!?" he spits back. "I killed her, Hajime! She is dead because of me! And… and…" his chest heaves up and down, he gasps and his lips part and move as to form words but no sound comes out. "And she had a life," he murmurs after a moment, his eyes darting wildly back and forth. "Parents, siblings, loved ones… and they're not going to see her anymore because of me," he points at himself. "Because of me!"

"No, no! It wasn't your fault, yo- you needed to eat." Excuses. "It wasn't the real you, its- it's okay," he says with a curt nod. He's just making excuses, convincing himself it was inevitable. "I- I- forgive you," and the truth is that he does, he understands rationally why the girl had to die. He's never cared much about his own kind and they never cared much about the dozens of innocent ghouls the CCG slaughtered in the name of peace. But he also knows that he should feel guilty, feel some sort of sadness that her life ended so abruptly – and that terrifies him because he's honestly so glad Tooru's alive and safe! He's just so glad Tooru's alive and by his side! But Tooru's not okay. Hajime can see the guilt eating at him in his eyes, he can feel it in his voice, in the way he curls into a ball and wishes he could just disappear.

"I for- forgive you," he said again, giving him a small smile. "I forgive you and I love you, and everything is going to be okay," Hajime nods again, as to reassure him that he believes what he's saying. Everything is going to be okay.

"No, it's not," he croaks. "I killed someone, Hajime. Things are never going to be okay again."

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 **Hello there! If you were one of those who bothered to read this to the end then please keep reading:**

 **I meant this to be shorter. It was an experiment, to be honest. I was trying to do something but I'm not sure if I've accomplished it. I was trying to convey feelings, to make the reader feel something because I've been told my writing lacks that and I agree. So it would mean the world to me if you could just drop a review, tell me what you think even if you don't like it. I just want honest opinions, brutally honest if you wish. (I'll review back if you want).**


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